Thou Shalt Not:
Arrive late, you are going to get kicked out when the next group booked for your table arrives. And that sucks balls. We suggest you just don’t. The pavement bruises asses.
No Bill Splitting – Ever. You are welcome to pay on multiple cards, but we are not a bunch of fucking accountants. We need to keep it simple.
No combining bookings without prior arrangements. IF you book 3 tables, that’s what you will get. Separate tables. IF you need to combine tables, arrange it with us well in advance, or the separation will suck. FOMO will ensue and the tears won’t be ours. email@example.com and if your party is eight or more people you will face a minimum of 10% service charge. We’d rather you have a stiff one than stiff one of us.
Thou shalt not wear shorts and slip slops as it is written. Hoodies and baseball caps work in da hood. If dat where you want to drink, sho’, just don’t make it our problem. YOU WILL NOT GET inside. Not even in those really cool slops and your designer black PT shorts. (Oh, and for the record, those white socks and sandals don’t help your sex life.) We’re not the fucking beach.
Do Not Share our location with others. Careful not to geotag or location share in photos of us. Break this rule and you’ll get seven years of no likes and bad sex. Is it worth that kind of risk?
Smoking & Vaping – you can’t, not inside, not ever, not even if your vape smells like unicorn candyfloss fart and the smoke removes greenhouse gasses from the atmosphere. You will accidentally get dumped on the pavement by two big guys. But don’t worry – we have an alleyway where you can puff away like a chimney if you need to do something about those cravings you can’t resist. As Mae once said to me “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it”
Don’t order a beer or pretend to be in a wine bar. And please don’t think to yourself “I know my cocktails, I don’t need to ask questions, or experience something new”. If you do know your cocktails, you will get some of our inside jokes. You can go elsewhere for a double G&T, a cosmo or sex on the beach. We can even give you directions if you want.
Have an absolutely AMAZING time. Eat, drink, dance and party like you’ve got a guest suite on the Titanic and you just spotted a big white floating thing. Keep an open mind – don’t expect the usual.
Do what you said you’ll do. Be that person. Arrive on time. Bring the number of people that you booked for. Or reach out in advance to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dress like you haven’t been stuck at home isolating for three years and your mummy doesn’t kit you out. No, don’t think fucking sweatpants, think Great Gatsby. Not the matric dance theme. The movie. Think 1920s. Think damn don’t we look good as you look around the room. You’ve been looking for a chance to dust off that special pair of shoes you lusted for, for so long.
We know the first rule, but here’s the loophole, take photos, videos (only great ones) or whatever the latest social craze is and tag us @the_art_of_duplicity with location off.
Expect a bit of attitude. We are about an experience, if you want “nice” we can make some other recommendations.
More than 9 people in your group means there are special menus heading your way. Maybe even some special drinks upon arrival. This is to ensure that we can make your group experience sublime.
We are a small intimate venue, not a pouring bar and we want everyone to get our best
Do Cancel if you can’t make it or are running more than 15 minutes late, reach out to us at email@example.com. If you cancel in good enough time, we can rebook your slot, and will then be happy to process a refund or accommodate you another time. If you don’t pitch up, or miss your booking time, don’t be surprised when we enjoy some drinks on your deposit at your expense or if you get blackballed from booking again…
How to Share these rules with your friends:
Give them this link (https://bit.ly/3Ig8GeH)
How to share the location:
You will receive SMS updates as your booking gets close, with hints. Share these in real-time, and let your friends enjoy the experience too. Even if you know the address and the history of the neighbourhood in your eidetic memory, now isn’t the moment to be a dick.